Twenty6; The Girl I Was

14:34

 

As I begin typing this post, I actually have no idea what i'm going to write about, all I know is that I want to write about the girl I was. So i'm just going to take a deep breath and pour out the words as they come into my heart.

I spoke to a friend from secondary school about 6 years after we had graduated, he commended me for my blog and told me he always knew I had a great sense of humour. This shocked me because I never thought I had any kind of character that was worth noting, because to me, I was this bland, quiet, shy girl that everybody didn't have a problem with. Everybody kind of liked me, well at least I think most people did. Little did they know that I had insecurities. How and why my insecurities came to be, I don't know, perhaps it came from attending a secondary school where everybody was all about "what you have". Now my parents weren't the richest on the block but they did very well for themselves so this wasn't really a problem for me. I was also lucky enough to have siblings and cousins that could pass down some "quality things" to me, but I still disliked how materialistic my school was.

Now let's move on to the insecurities about my body. Being in boarding school came with a lot of necessary "activities", one of which was bathing in a central bathroom with about 10 other girls at a time. I remember this one time when a girl told me (while laughing hysterically by the way) "Abieyuwa, I can't tell where your bum ends,  it's as if your bum is joined to your lap" Shet! That got to me deep! Don't you dare laugh! It's not funny 😐

Back then in school, there was a certain way girl's pinafores were "supposed" to sit on their bum, it usually had folds where their bum raised up (I hope you understand this explanation), but mine was pretty smooth, no folds. Yes, I had insecurities about my bum, don't laugh! At some point I started wearing jean short beneath my pinafore just to give my butt that extra "bulge".

The way I walked. Twice I changed the way I walked because I got laughed at. At first it was that I walked too straight and this earned me the nickname "Robocop" so I decided to relax my walk a bit and then it became that I walked and my head bounced around, and this earned me the nickname "Rice Krispies bubble head" or "Ricey" from my friends. (You guys remember those free toys that came in Rice Krispies packs yea?)

Oh and did I mention, I had these really annoying rash-like pimples on my forehead that refused to go away? A guy in my school made a comment once "You are a fine girl oh, it's just these pimples that are disturbing your face". It was so bad that one of my aunt's actually laid hands on my forehead to pray for me, no it wasn't a spiritual issue, I just wasn't washing/scrubbing my face properly.
Fast forward to university and things barely got better, I was skinny and my butt had still not shown up *sigh*. My ex did absolutely nothing to alleviate my insecurities. In fact I think he added to it sef (no offence to him if he reads this), instead he would yab me and say things like "see how skinny you are, instead of you to be eating". I knew he didn't like the fact that my bum was practically non existent and this increased my insecurities some more. I was also insecure about my "large" forehead and my dark complexion, thanks to him also...again, no offence and no hard feelings.

The one time I felt my self confidence surfacing, it turned out to be faux confidence, because it was based on someone else's perception of me.

The girl I was, was an extremely insecure and self conscious girl, the girl I was felt she wasn't good enough and blamed everything that went wrong on herself, the girl I was didn't know what it meant to have self love, the girl I was put her happiness in the hands of others, she didn't know herself, didn't really have a concrete identity.

The girl I was constantly doubted herself and her abilities, even when she did something awesome her happiness was short-lived and quickly replaced with doubts and worry of "what will people think/say, what if they don't like it", this happened a lot when I started this blog.
The girl I was did things because she didn't want to displease people, she did things even when she didn't want to. The girl I was didn't know how to say "no", she made a lot of mistakes and didn't always learn from them. She was a girl that found it hard to be happy on her own, she went as far as googling "how to be a happier person" (no jokes...and this is also part of where my love for working out came from) to get tips on well...becoming a happier person.

The girl I was had a truck load of insecurities...
I kind of like the sound of that, "the girl I WAS" and my favorite part of that sentence is "was" because I am no longer that girl, the girl I was has grown and learnt (is still learning). The girl I was has become strong and knows what she wants.

The girl I was has grown into THE WOMAN I AM.



This is part 1 of the "Twenty6" series.

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20 thoughts

  1. LIT! I LOVE THE EMPHASIS ON "THE GIRL I WAS"

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  2. I believe I enjoyed reading this as much as you enjoyed writing it. I can totally relate to having and growing up with so many insecurities. I'm still working through my issues and I'm glad you have grown into a stronger person.
    Anticipating more posts from this series.
    My Style Look Book Series

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    1. Thank you for reading Praise, I'm sure these insecurities will be a thing of the past for you soon...and hopefully you will also be able to share your experience.

      Thanks again! :)

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  3. First time coming to your blog and I have no regrets(you can write!)...We attended the same secondary school and I can relate to the first half of the blog...I was skinny and flat too and not the richest on the block...I'm happy you found yourself and shocked that you didn't think you were beautiful..
    Time to go browse older posts
    Thank you for this post
    Zoe

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    1. Thank you for stopping by the blog Zoe! I hope you find the other posts equally as interesting :)

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  4. This is a great rea. Anyone who has ever felt insecure or unsure of themselves will relate so hard to this. I personally do. I am looking forward to part 2

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    1. Thank you so much Adaoraah, I'm really glad you can relate to this.

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  5. I love this post....I felt like you were talking about me

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    1. Thank you for stopping by Adaora. I'm happy you felt a connection with the post. Cheers to becoming stronger and more confident women!

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  6. This is awesome, self-love is the key. I am proud of the woman you are today. Cheers

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  7. Might I say this was so very well written and thoroughly interesting! I'll be looking out for a lot more from this series.

    HLTW

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  8. Wow very impressive... hope the next series comes out soon

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  9. Nice work... greater things to come

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  10. This is my first time on here and I love you and your blog already. I share some of your insecurities, tho I wasn't bullied so much in school yet I was called names. I never let them get to me because I knew I didn't create myself and nothing was going to change about my physique because it's all in the DNA. Self love is the greatest I swear. Many times I stand in front of a mirror in my birthday suit and I reassure myself "You are Beautiful, You are wonderfully made". I might not be light skin, endowed, buoyant but I'm me and that's what truly matters.
    Keep Loving Yourself Miss ✨


    WanShyGirl ❤

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  11. First time on your blog and I love this article. It made me sad and happy because I can relate to it almost 100% and also because growth is beautiful (as I've also experienced). We obssess over our insecurities so much that we neglect the 'perfect' and amazing aspects of ourselves that those mockers are probably envious of. Keep up the journey of self discovery; it's the single best thing you can do for yourself. Lemme go snoop around your blog a little more.

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  12. Nice piece.also a learning point for guys.

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  13. Matthew Imuetinyan2/13/2017 11:37:00 pm

    Nice piece..a learning point for guyz.

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