Guest Post || All RED Everything!


Well.. Not an ideal title for a blog post, on a blog like this, but it's more than ideal for this particular gist. I had thought hard about this title, and I finally came up with a perfect one.
When reality meets fiction, it's boom! Like a big bang with flashes of light that make you wonder.. Okay let's get back to the gist. All red, everything. Why red? You will get to know. 

Maggy was someone that I respect very well. She's the only corper that made sense in my PPA (Place of primary assignment) so you understand the respect. Plus she cooks very well and is generous. Don't be naughty! She's married - well, maybe.
So it wasn't a surprise when I sprang up to her aid without asking too many questions. Jide and I had dressed for the evening and were waiting for the signal.

"Make una dey show, e don come"
The signal was straightforward and precise. A text sent to my phone was all we needed to head to her place.
Wait, before I proceed *sips sachet water* let me ask, shall we continue in sin so that grace may abound? Amen somebody!

When I opened the door, I nearly laughed out. In fact, blood nearly popped out of my eyes while I was trying to curtail a huge trunk of air that would have made me giggle. I'm loyal to a fault, so I wouldn't want to mess up the arrangement. What I saw was a stout looking man, with a shade of life -in the dark, and dressed in an ALL RED SUIT, with shoes to match. (Did I hear you say Igbo? Don't be a racist!!!)
He was glowing in the night, like a fetish god stained with the sins of the land. He wasn't smiling when we came in, but it went worse when he saw us. I could see the surprise on his face, even the dark shades couldn't conceal it. He was seated on the bed while Mag was preparing noodles for her guest, a brother from across the Niger, a married man with kids at home, kitted up in all red, fully CONJIFIED, traveled all the way from the east to Ekpoma in the South-south to see a Corper, with loads of provisions and fruits and foodstuffs and his stupidity. Hmm.. Our very own Maggy, the married one.

Well... To cut the short story long, she welcomed us and before OUR visitor could say jack, we had started descending on the fruits already. With the current economic hardship and all, one wouldn't wait for such an invitation. We ate with no mercy, the face of the man wasn't welcoming but a bruh has to do what he has to do. Remember, I'm loyal right? Yeah.

Before we knew it, the man had started conversing with Mag in their local dialect, we couldn't hear a thing and we weren't making any effort. We transferred all the energy to the meal we had, and occasionally, we would share jokes and laugh.

Hours past, and we weren't even thinking of going. The fact that it was a single room made everything worse - for him, and he hadn't said a word to us. Things boiled up when a call came in, a call from Mag's supposed husband.   He demanded to speak to our maga visitor. See gobe!!!
He quickly abandoned his food and started arguing with Mag. It was a spectacle. I've never seen a CONJIFIED adulterer make case before. The fact that we couldn't comprehend what they were speaking made it more intriguing. It was like those old school Chinese action movies. As far as it didn't affect our meal, we were okay with it.

Before we knew it, the man packed his bag, and headed for the door. The Indomie she prepared for him was untouched. He walked out and Mag went after him. It was past 8pm and for crying out loud, the man was a stranger.   I feared for his safety. They had barely left the door when Jide and I pounced on the Indomie, the best I have ever had. We were still on it when our visitor came back.
"Mag ehn! You too cook o! This Indomie is something else! Very sweet", I couldn't hide my joy. The man was at the door murmuring, but he dared not talk to us directly. Mag took my room key, and left the room for us. That was when the man had to come to us to plead.
"Erm.. Err.. My.. My brothers.. Make una help me, make I pass the night for here", he was sweating with fury and his plea was out of frustration rather than pity. "Sure!", Jide motioned to the floor.

By 5am, the man had gotten up already. His bags arranged. He woke us up to open the door for him, that he was about leaving. He took most of the things he bought for Mag, minus the fruits of course, we had eaten those. He wanted to go out when we halted him.
"Ogbeni.. Relax, you go leave all these things go house...", I said
"But they are mine, I bought them for her"
"For her right?? You don pay for accommodation for the night??.. Oya dey comot here before I change my mind!", Jide shouted at him
Without arguing, he left... Of course with his stupidity and his all red attire. All red, everything!
Since then, the colour red became a symbol of stupidity in my PPA.

Written by
Chuky One'Pilla (@Chuky1pilla)

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3 thoughts

  1. day of ppa so far...frm a

  2. Lmaooooo! I don't even wanna start with ibos and deir dress sense especially when going to catholic church on Sunday
    Nice write up...perfect way to start my weekend

  3. For real? He was gonna take everything back with him??? Hian! The man just fall my hand. Ibo men can truly like to do everything to match sha with short-sleeve suit too. If it's white...then all white with the shoes pointing South.Blue? All blue. Green? All green. Wives and sisters please come to their rescue biko...


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